4 Telltale Signs You're People-Pleasing

Four women sit around a table.

Everyone wants acceptance. We want to be ‘part of the group’, to fit in, to belong. It’s the way our brains are programmed; but when we don’t recognize the lengths we sometimes go to to be accepted, we can get into chronic, unhealthy people-pleasing.

What is a people-pleaser?

A people-pleaser is someone who always puts the wants and needs of others above their own because they believe they should.  

They alter their behavior to suit those around them: like changing a political view to avoid conflict, agreeing to a favor when they have no free-time, saying yes when they want to say no.

How to know if you’re a people-pleaser

Because the desire to be liked is present in most everyone, it can be hard to tell when your people-pleasing tendencies are getting the best of you.

Here are some warning signs to watch out for and strategies to nip them in the bud.

1. You Apologize All the Time

Imagine you’re telling a story, when suddenly, someone starts talking over you. For whatever reason, a big sorry slips out of your mouth. They go ahead, and you’re left worrying if you should even finish telling it once they’re done!

The “sorry” came easily. Maybe it’s even your go-to, as it is for many people-pleasers. But after you catch yourself saying sorry, stop and consider: were you really at fault? Did you say sorry because you meant it, or were you just apologizing for existing?

Fixing it

Saying sorry is a habit, and breaking a habit takes time and practice. Here’s how you can start.

●  Perform ‘sorry autopsies’ to find out if your apology was warranted

●  Use this to pinpoint when and where you’re likely to over-apologize

● Prepare in advance by planning a different response (such as ‘thank you for your patience’ instead of ‘I’m sorry this took so long’)

2. You Can Never Say No

Imagine a request. Maybe a coworker wants you to do their job for them, maybe a friend asks for a favor on your only day off, maybe your roommate thinks you should do their dishes. Now imagine saying no. Nothing else, just the word. By itself.

No.

Is it uncomfortable? It shouldn’t be, but it is. And things only get worse when you’re face to face with someone who expects a yes.

Because if you’re a people-pleaser, your mouth will say yes before your brain can even process the want to say no. This happens when your true wants and needs are overridden by the fear of being uncomfortable.

But listen; it’s uncomfortable either way. Saying no is definitely uncomfortable. It’s also uncomfortable to do things you don’t really want to do.

Fixing It

So how do you fix it? By deciding ahead of time which discomfort serves you. Which discomfort moves you in the direction you want to ge?

Then, give yourself a chance to pause and think.  One way to accomplish this is by preparing a phrase that will delay your answer. Something like let me get back to you on that, or let me think that over first.

After, take the time to give your wants and needs the consideration they deserve.

3. You’re a Social Chameleon

Have you noticed your personality changing from situation to situation?

Maybe you’re quiet around coworkers, loud with friends and someone entirely different when it comes to family. Maybe you can’t even tell which is the real you! This is the life of a social chameleon, a person who mimics their surroundings to blend in.

In some situations, it’s actually normal to alter mannerisms. There’s nothing wrong with acting professional at work then letting loose with friends.

So small changes are normal (and occasionally even necessary), but be on the lookout for serious deviations from your true personality. Because when you alter aspects of yourself to fit whoever’s nearest, you can disconnect from who you really are.

So when you change things like:

 ●  Political views

●  Taste in music

●  Sense of humor

●  Appearance

...there’s a chance you’re a social chameleon.

Fixing it

The opposite of a social chameleon is a social zebra: someone who wears their stripes proudly, refusing to give in to the group. They aren’t afraid to disagree, to go against the flow. They don’t fear conflict.

So how can you turn yourself from a chameleon to a zebra? The first step is a reevaluation. To realize that your principles have merit; that your outlook, personality, character and every other wonderful thing that makes you you is worth keeping.

Next time you find yourself slipping into somebody else’s personality, take a second to reconnect with you.

4. You Can’t Enjoy Yourself

Think about the last few outings you attended.

Did you have fun? Real fun, getting lost in the moment fun, not caring about how you look fun. If you’re a people-pleaser, chances are the answer is no.

Because really, how could you? You have to worry about a thousand things: what you’re doing, what everyone else is doing, what they think about what you’re doing, etc etc. If you’re a people-pleaser, you can fill in the rest.

It’s an exhausting way to spend time. It sucks the life out of you, and the worrying can even persist after the event is finished!

Fixing it

The inability to enjoy yourself likely stems from a misattribution of priorities. When engaging in recreation, the primary goal should be obvious: to have fun!

But for people-pleasers, that’s easier said than done. The priority instead becomes controlling how others perceive you.

And learning how to let go requires an understanding that controlling others’ perception is impossible. It’s an unwinnable game. The only mind you can control is your own, and once you start living inside it the opportunities for fun will open up all around.

What comes next?

If you just found out you’re a people-pleaser, don’t panic. You already took the first step.

Now the journey can begin. If you’re looking to stop people-pleasing, come join me in a free session and start working on you.