Why Being a ‘People-Pleaser’ Pleases No One
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
Do half your interactions end with a ‘sorry’? Do you constantly say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’? If so, you might be a people-pleaser.
‘But what’s wrong with that?’, you may ask, ‘I like pleasing people!’
And sure, maybe you did want to help that coworker move on your only day off, and maybe that joke made at your expense actually was funny. But chances are you didn’t, and it wasn’t.
A woman lies on her back in water, surrounded by flowers, looking up at the camera.
For us people-pleasers, it doesn’t matter what we want. All that matters is avoiding conflict. We ignore our own needs in an attempt to satisfy others. Of course, when used in moderation, kindness and altruism can strengthen relationships and improve lives.
However, when it comes to people-pleasers, putting others first isn’t just a habit – it’s a compulsion. One driven by fear: of saying the wrong thing, of disagreeing, of trying something new. Of anything that could be uncomfortable. And when fear makes all your decisions, it starts to show.
Because although people-pleasing might seem practical at first, it quickly spirals out of control. It stunts growth in all aspects of life, leaving you less than pleased.
Work
In the workplace, people-pleasers often say yes to every request, no matter how big. Have you ever found yourself working fifteen hours of overtime with no pay? Or doing somebody else’s job for them? It’s easy to think this behavior will put you on the fast track to a promotion.
Yet you’ll quickly find this leads to a complete lack of respect. Work piles up while recognition dwindles, and you may even be getting passed up for better positions. When you don’t respect your own boundaries, others follow suit, taking advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies.
The next time you receive an unfair request, try delaying your answer with a preplanned phrase, something like ‘let me get back to you’, or ‘I need to think that over’. This will give you the time needed to connect with your wants and needs, ultimately making a decision that’s right for you, not a decision that’s right for them.
Saying no is hard. It can be uncomfortable. But with enough preparation, it’s more than doable.
“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.”
Needing to be liked and accepted can also drive a wedge in the quality of your work. That need stems from a fear of rejection, a fear which overpowers the voice in your head that knows best.
Suddenly an easy decision becomes difficult. Confidence becomes a moving target. You start doubting your intuition and looking outside of you for people who can confirm that you’re “doing it right.”
So if you’re at work and find yourself agreeing against your better judgement, caving in to someone else when you know better, your people-pleasing is getting the better of you. Fear stifles creativity; it blocks you off from your best self and turns great instincts into mediocre ones.
Once you’re able to have your own back, those great instincts can burst into fruition at the workplace and beyond.
Recreation
Work isn’t the only part of life that suffers from people-pleasing – your recreation could also be in jeopardy.
Have you ever spent the duration of a friendly gathering worrying about what you’re wearing, saying and doing? Has this worry ever lingered after the gathering? You think through every interaction, picking apart what you said, what she said- guessing at the meaning and wishing you had done things differently. It’s exhausting. Before you know it, the overthinking and anxiety spiral, and you’re worrying before, during and after recreation!
Fun isn’t so fun when you spend it like that. But there’s good news – it doesn’t have to be that way. Your anxiety is predicated on a fabrication: the idea that with enough time and effort, you can control what others think and feel about you.
It’s an idea that caves in on you. You become trapped in the minds of others, a place that you have no control over. It’s no wonder anxiety results! You’re fighting tooth and nail to uphold an image of yourself in someone else’s mind, and you have no way of knowing if it’s working.
“All I can do is follow my instincts, because I’ll never please everyone.”
In order to regain your freedom, you have to disconnect from them and connect to you. You are not in charge of anybody’s mind but your own. It’s ok if people are wrong about you.
And once you’re connected to you, you have control. You are free.
Relationships
People-pleasing commonly rears its head in relationships, but it can be hard to spot. Because the desire to make your partner happy is normal, the line between people-pleasing and being a good significant other gets blurred.
But there are signs. Conflict and communication are healthy parts of every relationship, so their absence could signify something is amiss. If you find the words ‘it’s fine’ coming out of your mouth automatically (especially when things are definitely not fine) there’s going to be a problem.
Avoiding conflict doesn’t do you or your partner any good, and more often than not, it merely turns an easy fix into a ticking time bomb. The attempt to cut out conflict causes more of it!
And think about it from their perspective; if they’re a good partner, they’ll want you to be happy too, and chances are they’ll start to pick up on your reluctance. If you’re focusing solely on them, what they want and how to make them happy, you’re neglecting an entire fifty percent of the relationship.
Remember that your wants and needs matter just as much as your partner’s, and that this fact will never make you ‘selfish’. Connecting with yourself is imperative to living a fulfilling life, and your desires are just as valuable as anyone’s.
You deserve to be happy. You have the right to pursue it.
How to Stop People-Pleasing
People-pleasing tendencies are a problem. They can negatively affect your life by:
● Making it difficult to say no
● Overriding your intuition
● Flooding you with anxiety
● Putting your needs behind others
So what can be done to help?
Thankfully, a lot. People-pleasing isn’t incurable, and there are steps you can take to mitigate the downsides and overcome your fears.
Some steps are small, like preparing a phrase that gives you extra time to consider a difficult question. Recovering from people-pleasing is possible and I can help.
So take the first step and book a free session. You’ve got this.