Healthy Compromise Or People-Pleasing? How To Be True To Yourself In Relationships

A couple relaxing with their dog.

If you've been working on your people-pleasing tendencies for a while, you may have noticed that it shows up in different ways with different people. Perhaps you seek validation and approval at work, but in your friendships, you overschedule yourself and say yes to favors out of guilt and obligation. Overcoming people-pleasing can be especially tricky when it comes to romantic relationships. Why? Because we're taught that we should always put our partner's needs before our own. "He would give you the shirt off his own back" or "she always puts others first" are compliments we often hear. But the problem with giving someone the shirt off your own back is that you're left in the cold, and when you are constantly self-sacrificing, you no longer have anything left to give. Ultimately, relationships do require compromise. But compromise is not the same thing as people-pleasing. So how do you engage in healthy compromise without devaluing yourself and your own needs? Let's jump in.

The Top 2 Mistakes of People-Pleasers in Relationships

1. Overgiving

If you are a people-pleaser, you are probably well-versed in over-giving. It's easy to see why: over-giving can make you seem and feel like a great partner in the short term. Others are all too happy to receive your endless favors, time, and energy. Making sure your partner's needs are met, even at the expense of your own, can garner gratitude and affection from your partner. And if you have learned to come across as agreeable and easygoing, your partner may not even be aware of it.

But the problem is that when you over-give, your partner, even if they are self-aware and appreciative, will likely come to expect that from you and take it for granted. Over time, you feel unappreciated and become resentful. What can start as good intentions can quickly turn into you playing the martyr role.

When you don't respect your needs, you teach others not to respect them too. Over-giving creates a dynamic where your partner no longer questions their own behavior. They maintain control of the relationship, but ultimately it ends in dissatisfaction in both partners. Authentic intimacy isn't possible when there isn't equality in the relationship, and radical intimacy is where true connection is found.

Does the 'compromise' in your relationship always seem to lean in your partner's favor? Ask yourself what happens when you say no. Does your partner listen to your needs and try to find a workable solution? Or do you not even give them that opportunity, by deferring to them instead of communicating what you truly want and feel?

It can help to share your goal with your partner of creating a more equal dynamic, but be mindful of how you communicate this. It can be easy for your partner to get defensive and interpret it as you accusing them of taking advantage of you. Instead, explain what you've been learning about people-pleasing and that you notice these patterns in yourself. Share how you think it is holding you back, and how you would like to engage with others moving forward. Ask for your partner's support and accountability as you practice these skills.

2. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Deferring to your partner to avoid conflict is very common for people-pleasers. Many people avoid sharing their opinions in order to seem agreeable and easy-going. But when you do this, you aren't showing your partner who you truly are.

There's a wonderful Alicia Keys song called Gramercy Park about this. The lyrics go:

'Cause I've been trying to be everything I think you want me to be

I've been doing all the things that I think you wanna see

I've been trying to fulfill you with your every need

Now you falling for a person that's not even me

Avoiding difficult conversations means your partner doesn't even deeply know who they are in a relationship with. Does that sound fair? The thing is, selectively sharing parts of yourself to be more likable is actually manipulation. It may come from a good place, but it's still disingenuous.

Your needs, opinions, and feelings matter. And chances are, your partner loves you and wants to see who you really are. So don't hold back: while these conversations can be difficult, they are the only way to move forward. Your partner can't read your mind, and hiding your true feelings to keep the peace will inevitably cause future suffering on both sides.

How to Maintain Self-Care and Self-Esteem in Relationships

If you find yourself never saying no, overcommitting yourself, and avoiding conflict, you've come to the right place.

First, remember that most people will respect and appreciate your desire to improve your communication and work on your unhelpful relationship patterns. The ability to assess your relationship dynamic and try something new is an important skill to develop. So don't be afraid to let your partner know about your goal to stop people-pleasing and how they can support you.

Ask yourself these questions:

•Is there a power imbalance in your relationship?

•Does your opinion matters as much as theirs?

•Can you express when you're unhappy about something without your partner getting defensive or playing the victim?

•What are your most essential relationship needs, and are they being met?

This will help you establish a baseline and determine where more work needs to be done. When you identify where you are people-pleasing, brainstorm some ways you can honor yourself and your needs.

Practicing self-worth means speaking your truth and stating your needs without apology. And while you're at it, practice hearing your partner's needs without getting defensive.

Don't Forget...

Remember to be gentle with yourself during this process. It's challenging to interrupt these relationship patterns you may have been repeating for years. As you find your new path forward, you may stumble and communicate poorly at times. When this happens, simply take accountability, communicate your process with your partner, and keep moving forward.

You deserve to have your needs met, but the fear of rejection stops many of us from giving up our people-pleaser patterns. But if you stepping into your sense of self causes others to reject you, that's not a true partnership in the first place. Making everyone happy but yourself is not sustainable, and the truth will reveal itself over time anyways. Why not start today?