How to Disappoint People
People-pleasing is a maladaptive tendency often developed at a young age. People-pleasers learn that by keeping other people happy, even at their own expense, they avoid conflict and stay safe in their social communities. The ultimate goal of most people-pleasers is to take the path of least resistance by meeting others' expectations, upholding their own likability.
However, disappointing others is an absolutely essential life skill. There is no way to go through life keeping everyone happy- it’s simply impossible.
So if disappointing others is inevitable, you might as well get comfortable with it and learn how to do it gracefully. This may sound like mission impossible, but it’s more achievable than you may think. Let’s jump in and learn how to get comfortable with- and even embrace- being a disappointment.
Disappointing People: Why It Matters
There are two important things to keep in mind when you’re thinking about the real impact of trying to avoid disappointing other people. Number one, you are disappointing yourself over and over again instead of disappointing other people. Is that ok with you? Letting people down can be excruciating, but think about the last time you let yourself down by not honoring your own needs. How did that feel, and how did you treat people around you at that time? Were you resentful or playing the martyr?
--> Disappoint as many people as you need to before you disappoint yourself
Think about your friends and the things they may do for you. Do you want them doing these things out of genuine giving and desire, or out of guilt and obligation? The energy you project and put into actions is radically different depending on where the action comes from. The truth is, deep down most people- the ones worth being in relationships with- don’t want you doing things for them if it’s not something you genuinely want to do.
Secondly, listening to your intuition, trusting yourself, and communicating your needs: these are not negative things. So why do they feel so negative inside? It’s because we as women are programmed to believe that our value is tied to helping other people and giving them our time and energy. It’s always going to feel shitty to know someone is disappointed because we’ve been taught to believe it’s our job to make sure everyone is happy.
Getting Comfortable With Disappointing People
Let’s take a look at one example. Say you volunteer for an organization and are asked to head a fundraising campaign. You care about the foundation and the project, but you are already at your max. With work, family, and social obligations, you know that taking this on would make your life uncomfortably busy for the duration of the project. But you also know that by saying no, you will disappoint your team, and pass the burden on to others.
Living the life you deserve means honoring your own needs first, so you need to be brave and say no. But how do you push through the burning hot discomfort when you disappoint people?
The first thing is to create inner safety for yourself. Breathe- feel whatever discomfort you’re feeling, remind yourself that YOU are showing up for you, taking the best care possible of you. Own your own emotions and tend to them. Then, decide ahead of time that other people’s reactions- their disappointment- is THEIR responsibility, not yours.
Remember:
It’s your job to love yourself and care for yourself first.
You can love yourself in a way that cares for you AND cares for others as well.
Communicating your needs helps friends have a better understanding of your true self.
Once you care for yourself and learn to feel the discomfort of NOT people-pleasing, you’re in a much better position to have wonderfully rewarding relationships that are only possible when everyone feels safe being honest.
How to Say “No”
Rule #1. Never say “yes” in the moment of being asked to do something. Memorize a phrase like “I’d love to think about that and get back to you” or something similar. That will relieve the pressure of the moment.
Rule #2 When you communicate your “no”, do not overexplain or leave room for negotiation. Drop the “I can’t now, but if something changes I’ll let you know…”. You can simply say no, without giving a reason. But if it makes you feel better, you can communicate your desire to make more space for other things in your life (rest, family time, exercise, creativity, etc.). Almost everyone has felt that way before and can understand that.
This phrase can be adapted to work for almost any situation: “Thank you for thinking of me. In an effort to take more time for myself and my family, I am unable to help you with that. However, I am honored that you asked” or something similar that is clear.
Rule #3 Expect to feel uncomfortable. It comes with the territory. Remember that you are choosing the momentary discomfort of saying “no” rather than the discomfort of doing something you don’t want to do and all the time and effort that entails.
Hot tip! Don’t volunteer yourself helping them find an alternative person, either. Unless you are turning down something you previously said “yes” to and have a moral obligation to do so, don’t run around town looking for someone else to help with the thing you are saying “no” to. You’re just trying to alleviate your guilt and it’s not your job. Your job is to feel the guilt and honor yourself anyway.
Disappointing People Means You’re Growing!
I’m the first to admit that disappointing people is tough. Sometimes it’s still tough and my people-pleaser habit flares up. Not a problem. I’m always learning and finding new places in my life that need my attention. It’s all growth. Learning to disappoint people is part of growing up and moving beyond being a people-pleaser.
If you need some support learning to let others down, check out my free Difficult Conversations PDF! Or for more personalized support, contact me to book a free consultation today.