It's easy to see why so many of us take on people-pleasing behaviors: meeting other people's expectations means that in the short-term we avoid conflict, win approval, and are perceived by others as a good person.

However, people-pleasing tendencies come at a high cost. You cannot continuously ignore your own needs and emotional well-being and live a healthy inner life.

In the long run, sacrificing your own well-being and self-care to keep the peace leads to mental health issues, anxious attachment, and low self-esteem. Plus, it hurts the very relationships you are trying to maintain.

Let's take a deeper look at people-pleasing behavior, and how catering to others actually makes it harder to have healthy relationships.

The People-Pleaser Mindset

People-pleasing ways are always learned early. We learn early that if we behave the way other people want us to, we get rewarded. We grow up exchanging behavior for rewards which works…until it doesn’t.  

Eventually, our own needs and wants end up being in conflict with what others want from us, and we have been trained to feel responsible for other people’s feelings.  We accept fault for other people’s disappointment and put others' needs ahead of our own feelings. People-pleasers focus more on the perception of others instead of their own happiness and well-being.

Healthy boundaries are impossible to establish because they don't want to 'rock the boat'. They will swallow negative feelings and even jeopardize their physical health in order to keep the peace.

The Price of People-Pleasing

To be clear- it’s uncomfortable to people please- to constantly abandon your own needs. It’s also uncomfortable to stop people pleasing- to honor your limits and say “no.” The real price of people pleasing is the way your energy gets used. Constant uneasiness- worry that people like you or not, and being vigilant for cues about what other people want from you. Your time and energy gets used up being who you think other people want you to be rather than finding out who you want to be.  You’re never really YOU in your relationships; you’re an edited version of you that you hope people will like- and that’s a never-ending, draining cycle.  However, it's not just you that suffers. In the end, people-pleasing actually hurts the person you are trying to please.

Over time, you'll begin to regard your loved ones with contempt. You'll wonder why they don't anticipate your needs and cater to them in the same way that you do. When is your turn to be accommodated? Can't they see that you feel overwhelmed and have no free time? That feeling of resentment? That judgment that no one tries harder than you do? All of this poisons the very relationships that we are trying to nurture. 

How To Curb Your People-Pleasing Tendencies

Putting a stop to lifelong patterns isn't easy. The reason we have such a hard time when we try to stop being a people-pleaser is that we face possible conflict or rejection. We feel unsafe and like the relationships and communities we depend on are in jeopardy. But while it's challenging, breaking these patterns is absolutely necessary if we want to live a life based on authenticity.

The first step is to establish a feeling of safety from within. The goal is to have your security no longer be based on others' approval because you are the only person who will always have your own back. I have plenty of tools to help you learn to self-comfort and push past people-pleasing once and for all: see the bottom of this blog post for more information.

Breaking through your people-pleasing habits means you must practice putting healthy boundaries in place, even if you are the only one who knows about them. Clearly communicating your needs and what you will and will not do and do or do not want is the foundation for healthy relationships.

It's normal to feel many really uncomfortable emotions- guilt, worry, anxiety, even fear- when you start to stop people pleasing. But in time and with practice, you will increase your ability to tolerate those emotions and they subside. Setting boundaries used to be deeply uncomfortable for me. But believe it or not, I now know it’s the most important way I take care of myself.   When I set boundaries, I create an opportunity for real connection. I allow myself to be seen- my needs and wants to be considered, and I create space for the other person to state their needs and be seen. This shared vulnerability ultimately deepens the relationship. How cool is that? And if the other person responds negatively and wants me to people please them, I've now learned something valuable about them and can adjust their place in my life appropriately.

Ready, People-Pleasers?

You deserve to have your needs met and that work always starts with YOU meeting your own needs first. To learn how to set boundaries and create healthy partnerships, check out my free Difficult Conversations PDF.

If you could use support in learning to create safety from within, drop me a line.  I have amazing resources that will help you learn to manage the discomfort of NOT people pleasing and create the life you want. I can't wait to hear from you!