One of the trickiest things with people-pleasing is it can easily be disguised as a virtue. Being agreeable, generous (i.e. overgiving), and non-confrontational can make you seem likeable and easygoing to others.

But the reality is, people-pleasing is often just a tool to avoid facing your fear of rejection.

People-pleasing is often driven by the desire to avoid conflict and keep the peace. People-pleasers fear that if they put their own needs over other people's opinions, they will lose their relationships and community. And some of that is justified: when you set healthy boundaries, just might rock the boat and may encounter some friction.

All people-pleasers started as children; we are all biologically programmed to fear being abandoned or rejected by the people they depended on most. We learn to obey the “rules'' of the different groups we belong to- family, ethnic, religious, social, etc- to survive. All of this is normal human development.  

But unless you’re going to never break any of the rules of any of the groups- (never be your own person!) it’s a safety that we must ultimately learn to provide for ourselves. We must learn to stop abandoning ourselves to keep the rules.  

Moving Beyond Fear

When you are first tackling your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s important to acknowledge how it serves you. While it has many negative consequences, it has probably served you in many other ways.

Chances are, you developed your people-pleasing tendencies in early childhood, and it helped you find security and safety in dysfunctional family systems.

The goal is to move beyond your fear of conflict and learn how to build healthy relationships based on truth rather than avoidance. So where do you begin?

CREATING SAFETY

If the root cause of people-pleasing is seeking safety, the cure is to create a new safe environment. The key is to provide yourself with the safety you are seeking rather than relying on others.

When you first set boundaries, you will likely feel highly anxious and insecure. Learning how to comfort yourself is essential, and there are a number of tools I use in my practice to facilitate this. From breathing exercises to thought exercises, there are very effective methods to create safety from within, regardless of the social circumstances around you.

Feel Guilty?

Deciding to prioritize your needs over keeping the peace can stir up a lot of negative feelings like guilt and shame. If you’ve spent years believing that putting others before yourself makes you virtuous, you may feel like a selfish or bad person for putting yourself first.

This is understandable, but think about this: if the other person’s needs are very important, aren’t yours important, too? Other people are humans, just like you. Surely, if their needs matter, yours do, too.

You are not responsible for other people's negative emotions about your boundaries. The only thing you can control is your response. If it’s impossible to please everyone, then disappointing others is a necessary part of life. When you feel uncomfortable after stopping your people-pleasing behavior, remember that they are adults and must learn how to interact with you in a way that doesn’t disrespect your basic needs.

One thing to keep in mind is that often people are more generous than we give them credit for. It’s easy to overestimate others’ negative responses when you stop being a people-pleaser. Perhaps they too are learning about setting boundaries in their own life and will be empathetic to your need to do so too.

As far as we know, you only get one life. The only person who can create the life you deserve is you. When is it your turn to have your needs met? Let’s start today.

WHAT'S NEXT?

Are you using people-pleasing behaviors as armor against fear? Don't worry: acknowledging it is the first step. The fact that you’re reading this blog post means you are on the right track. You’re ready to take steps towards living a life that feels true to you, I just know it.

For further guidance in moving beyond fear and setting boundaries, check out my free Difficult Conversations PDF. Or, drop me a line and book a free session. You’ve got this!